I LOVE MY CHURCH... and I love my pastor.
To some of you this will not make sense. I do not care, this is me, take it or leave it.
To others of you, you will un5derstand completely and some will just try to understand. Thank you.
Two weeks ago I quit smoking. Many view this as a healthy lifestyle change, which it is. But it is also something much bigger for me, it is a struggle with my identity and a battle to re-create the very core of who I am.
I started smoking when I was 14 years old. I quit while I was pregnant and for some, maybe even many years, I only smoked 1-3 cigarettes a day. Regardless, I was a smoker. It was who I was. For maybe half that time, it was the symbol of the rebellious part of who I was. It was a way to say " I don't care what you think " even though maybe I did, or " I'll do what I want " which I would. Some of you know my life changed a lot at 14 years old, more than most teenagers. Smoking was what I did to get through, to deal with it, to have that few moments to myself to face what was happening in my life and put it behind me.
The second half of that time it was my stress release. My life was/is chaotic and it was my way to step outside my home/office/car, outside of all the chaos, and just breathe (as ironic as that may be). It was part of my self-destruction, a crutch I knew I was using to not really deal with things but a way to escape them. Very similar to my weight. I probably know more about nutrition and exercise than 75% of the people reading this post, and have continued to destroy my body for years. Part of me thinks it is a way to berate myself, a way to say "you are not good enough" or "you do not deserve health" or "don't try, you will fail." As Pastor Myron points out, many Christians are extremely hard on themselves and I am no exception.
It is this second half that I struggle with in quitting smoking. It is the devil himself that has battled against God in my head and heart telling me that to deal with my life, to be me, to be happy, I need to smoke. This may sound absurd to some of you, but it is a powerful addiction and as intelligent as I may be, it is all I can do to pray to God and ask him to remove this absurdity from my heart and soul and provide me with the shield and sword I need to get healthy. There are times when all I can do is curl into a ball, turn on the TV, and do my best to lose myself in mindless distractions. My house is a mess, I have no clean laundry, and I've gained 5 lbs. It is the worst in the evening and in the mornings, especially on weekends because that is when I would sit outside, drink my coffee, and smoke.
Two weeks seems like a drop in the bucket right now. It feels as if I have a lifetime of struggle against this ahead of me.
I know I should call a friend, go to church, exercise. Those things are not my first instinct. I have friends going through some real crap in their lives right now, and I know they understand this. I have always been the person that smoked, that is what I did. Now, I am the person that sleeps. What I want is to be the person that meditates, the person that prays, the person that runs, that moves, that turns the stress into a great thing. That is what I am working on.
So.... keep encouraging me. Encourage my husband. Encourage my children. Help me to become what I want to be. Be patient with me. Most of all, pray for me.
And thank you. Thank you to all of you who have been SO encouraging. Amee, mom, Jonna, Angela, Shannon, Tammie, Sheryl, Michelle, so many of you have been so great about encouraging me and checking in on me and being patient with me as I struggle to re-create myself without being a raging bitch.
Peace out!
a
