Well, as promised, this is me- open, honest and transparent. Some may say "Why?" "Why do you put your business out there like this?" The answer is easy: to help others. And so they can help me. I hope my blogs, my posts will bring joy, inspiration, education, comfort, and be able to help others who face the same things I face/have faced in my life. My ultimate goal in life is for God's light to shine through me.
And I want your help! I want your support, your information and education, your encouragement, your laughter and peace. So feel free to message me or post comments.
I call 2013 the Year of Realization for me because, quite simply, I realized a lot of things this year. About myself, about others, about life.
This year I was diagnosed with a serious health condition. Those that are close, know. If you don't know, don't ask because I won't tell you. It doesn't affect my work but it does affect the rest of my life. I struggled with not letting it define me, this diagnosis, and I won't let it. I struggled with medication and I am on a good path, medically.
I realized, through all of this, that the past twenty years of my life have been spent surviving instead of thriving. Trying to get through life instead of love and live my life. Those of you that have known me for twenty years know some of those years of struggle. Some of you have gotten me through those years. But those years are over now, I have survived.
Throughout survival, I have neglected myself emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. That is one of the biggest realizations I have come to. With the death of a friend late this year I realized just this very thing and that it is time to let go. Let go of the past twenty years of hurts and disappointments, largely in myself. Take the good and move forward to change (which I hate). But 2014 WILL be the year of change.
It is time to begin. Begin caring for myself in all these ways I haven't for so long. To find healthy emotional and mental outlets for stress and anxiety. There are so many things I love to do that are healthy outlets, things that used to define me but have gotten lost in the years of my life. Singing, dancing, walking, being outdoors, writing, reading, photography. All things I plan on doing instead of napping or smoking to get away from it all.
There is an athlete inside of me, I can feel her wanting to burst out. Many of you don't know this about me but I played sports all through school. In high school I let a lot slip, struggling to survive, but still managed to play volleyball and softball. I played basketball for years. But I want to run and I mean RUN. Run all year, run for exercise and sanctuary, just run. I absolutely love Zumba and have been inspired by my instructor, Ms. Amy Ferrell, who is amazing.
This year I also found kickboxing thanks to JP! I love it. I love it because I am drenched in sweat when it is over and I love it because it embodies the fact that I am a FIGHTER. A warrior. Always but more so now than ever.
Spiritually, it is time as well. Time to submerge myself in the Lord, his word and his presence. To surrender both the daily struggles and worries and those of my lifetime to HIM. I have held back from him and it is time to let go of the control I have held so tightly to and give it all to him.
2013 was amazing in so many ways. The birth of a beautiful godbaby Lexi, two new beautiful nieces and nephews (Saya and Caleb), the strength of my marriage reaching higher than I ever thought possible, and, of course, the purchase of our first new and beautiful home. Our firm continues to grow and prosper and I have found the daily best friends and sisters in Jonna and Shannon. They love me no matter what and they watch out for me in a way that my actual big sister cannot. My actual big sister, Sheiska, and I are closer than ever before and I share the same closeness with my parents. My children continue to be amazing, beautiful, precious beams of light in my world. My pets continue to provide me daily comfort and amusement. I have gotten to spend amazing time with my "girls"; Brooks, Wendy, Billye, Erica, Kristin, Tiena, and all of those I may have forgotten. And finally, I gained a guardian angel, Abby.
I have realized so much this year, 2013. But 2014 is the year of change and I am READY!!!!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Catch My Breath
Oh yeah, that's right, I'm quoting the song title of a Kelly Clarkson song as the title of my blog:)
So last we talked I was about 3 to 4 weeks quit smoking. I have since relapsed. This is a very emotional journey for me as I have shared in my previous blogs. The response I got from some close to me was surprising. My cheerleaders remained awesome! Others said things like "you sound so angry" "obviously you are grumpy" or "that's life". That sucked. I know this relapse will be disappointing to a lot of you but I am doing my best and that will need to be good enough.
Don't laugh, but I went to a hypnotherapist in the midst of my deepest struggle. She had a lot of wisdom to share. My session didn't make me quit smoking (which was of course the intended result), but it shone a light into the chaos of this struggle. Essentially what I realized is I was going about this backwards. I was starting with the end goal, the destination and trying to work my way backwards. Starting with quitting smoking, and then flailing about trying to work into an exercise routine, good nutrition, and ways to deal with all the smoking triggers. Classic me!
So I realized I needed to visualize my "goal" or destination of quitting smoking and getting healthy and go from there. What that means for me is to implement an exercise routine, focus on nutrition, and stress management/reduction... working my way to quitting smoking and getting healthy. This realization has really boosted my confidence and reduced my stress.
So I am "catching my breath" as Kelly would say. I am gradually increasing my exercise, this week to 5 times per week. I am trying to walk as much as possible during the workday as a stress release instead of immediately turning to smoking. As a family, we are focusing on eating at home. I am going to run my 5K's even though I will need to walk part of them. I am focusing on quiet time, a little bit at a time and trying to improve my prayer life and time spent in bible study. I am succeeding.
By the third week of May I'll be focusing my exercise routine to include all of the necessary elements (i.e. cardio, flexibility, strength) and we will be working on more focused meditation and relaxation techniques as a family. I'll continue my bible study and increase the time I spend for myself in the morning and evening. Finally, I'll be walking a LOT more. We are also really working on prepping and preparing our food, especially fruits and veggies. It is such a hard routine for us to get into but we are getting there!
I'm not setting a timeline on myself this time. I'm guessing it will probably be early summer when I quit for good... After all, this is the year of the Cozarts!
Peace out
a
So last we talked I was about 3 to 4 weeks quit smoking. I have since relapsed. This is a very emotional journey for me as I have shared in my previous blogs. The response I got from some close to me was surprising. My cheerleaders remained awesome! Others said things like "you sound so angry" "obviously you are grumpy" or "that's life". That sucked. I know this relapse will be disappointing to a lot of you but I am doing my best and that will need to be good enough.
Don't laugh, but I went to a hypnotherapist in the midst of my deepest struggle. She had a lot of wisdom to share. My session didn't make me quit smoking (which was of course the intended result), but it shone a light into the chaos of this struggle. Essentially what I realized is I was going about this backwards. I was starting with the end goal, the destination and trying to work my way backwards. Starting with quitting smoking, and then flailing about trying to work into an exercise routine, good nutrition, and ways to deal with all the smoking triggers. Classic me!
So I realized I needed to visualize my "goal" or destination of quitting smoking and getting healthy and go from there. What that means for me is to implement an exercise routine, focus on nutrition, and stress management/reduction... working my way to quitting smoking and getting healthy. This realization has really boosted my confidence and reduced my stress.
So I am "catching my breath" as Kelly would say. I am gradually increasing my exercise, this week to 5 times per week. I am trying to walk as much as possible during the workday as a stress release instead of immediately turning to smoking. As a family, we are focusing on eating at home. I am going to run my 5K's even though I will need to walk part of them. I am focusing on quiet time, a little bit at a time and trying to improve my prayer life and time spent in bible study. I am succeeding.
By the third week of May I'll be focusing my exercise routine to include all of the necessary elements (i.e. cardio, flexibility, strength) and we will be working on more focused meditation and relaxation techniques as a family. I'll continue my bible study and increase the time I spend for myself in the morning and evening. Finally, I'll be walking a LOT more. We are also really working on prepping and preparing our food, especially fruits and veggies. It is such a hard routine for us to get into but we are getting there!
I'm not setting a timeline on myself this time. I'm guessing it will probably be early summer when I quit for good... After all, this is the year of the Cozarts!
Peace out
a
Sunday, April 7, 2013
No More Yes Man (or Woman in this case)....
Something has been really chappin my hide lately and it is time for a change. Heck, it is a season of change for me, yes? No more smoking, going to get healthy, why not add to the mix?! The big change is: No More Yes Man (or Woman in this case).
My grandma always said "if you want something done, ask a busy person to do it." Boy she wasn't kidding. After my years (and years) of non-profit wok, I know that is THE TRUTH. It is always a handful of people in a group that do 99% of the work. But it is more than that in my life....
I always say yes. Yes to my kids. Yes to my friends. Yes to my clients. Yes to my family. Yes to my causes. Yes to the PTA. Yes, yes, yes! The result: an unhealthy stressed out me who couldn't name a hobby or something I do for myself. Not one thing. NOT EVEN SMOKING! (can you tell I'm a little bitter about that?) And if one of you comments about "That's life" or "that's being a mom" I will mentally punch you in your face.
So guess what? NO!!!!!! I'm done. Stick a fork in me, I am totally done. There are those in my life whom are SO GREAT about this, setting boundaries and doing what they can and I admire and ENVY them! My turn!
Let me start this out by saying, there are some of you I will hang the moon for because you are freaking AWESOME and would do anything for me. Some of you already have. Jen Tyler, Amee Tilger, my parents, Jonna Dengate, my partner Shannon, you are my ROCKS. April and Cameron Wiggins, you routinely do AMAZING things for our family (and me) and I love you for it. Amy Ferrell, your FREE Zumba class and your story has inspired me and I thank you so much for it. You all get YES! to whatever you need whenever you need it.
Some of you have been amazing at sending me referral and supporting my business, THANK YOU! I will always do the same for you! My sister, Sara, and Megan Long come to mind but I know there are more of you....
But to the rest of you.... step up. If you want me to buy your kid's girl scout cookies/coupon cards/whatever THEY are selling.... if you want me to attend your business event/charity auction/or countless Pampered Chef/Partylite/whatever the heck it is YOU are selling.... if you want continous free legal advice/a sympathetic ear to listen to your constant life drama/or for me to constantly change my life to accomodate your plans/lack of planning then you better pull up a chair and clear your calendars people because I will be knocking on your door asking for HELP.
Help with Relay team events, a couple of bucks in Relay raffle tickets, forming a team for the CASA Bowl-A-Thon, supporting MY kids fundraisers, whatever it takes. You want from me, you better be willing to give. I don't care if it is $5 or a couple of hours of your time, I'll take it. And if I ask, and you can't give, HAVE SOME RESPECT AND AT LEAST RESPOND. Ignoring me is just plain RUDE.
Sorry, but I have a full time job, a few of them actually, and I can no longer justify taking time away from myself, my family, or my worship to give to those who don't give back. You must earn my time, and like my loyalty, I will be fierce in rewarding those who give to me.
Peace out.
a
My grandma always said "if you want something done, ask a busy person to do it." Boy she wasn't kidding. After my years (and years) of non-profit wok, I know that is THE TRUTH. It is always a handful of people in a group that do 99% of the work. But it is more than that in my life....
I always say yes. Yes to my kids. Yes to my friends. Yes to my clients. Yes to my family. Yes to my causes. Yes to the PTA. Yes, yes, yes! The result: an unhealthy stressed out me who couldn't name a hobby or something I do for myself. Not one thing. NOT EVEN SMOKING! (can you tell I'm a little bitter about that?) And if one of you comments about "That's life" or "that's being a mom" I will mentally punch you in your face.
So guess what? NO!!!!!! I'm done. Stick a fork in me, I am totally done. There are those in my life whom are SO GREAT about this, setting boundaries and doing what they can and I admire and ENVY them! My turn!
Let me start this out by saying, there are some of you I will hang the moon for because you are freaking AWESOME and would do anything for me. Some of you already have. Jen Tyler, Amee Tilger, my parents, Jonna Dengate, my partner Shannon, you are my ROCKS. April and Cameron Wiggins, you routinely do AMAZING things for our family (and me) and I love you for it. Amy Ferrell, your FREE Zumba class and your story has inspired me and I thank you so much for it. You all get YES! to whatever you need whenever you need it.
Some of you have been amazing at sending me referral and supporting my business, THANK YOU! I will always do the same for you! My sister, Sara, and Megan Long come to mind but I know there are more of you....
But to the rest of you.... step up. If you want me to buy your kid's girl scout cookies/coupon cards/whatever THEY are selling.... if you want me to attend your business event/charity auction/or countless Pampered Chef/Partylite/whatever the heck it is YOU are selling.... if you want continous free legal advice/a sympathetic ear to listen to your constant life drama/or for me to constantly change my life to accomodate your plans/lack of planning then you better pull up a chair and clear your calendars people because I will be knocking on your door asking for HELP.
Help with Relay team events, a couple of bucks in Relay raffle tickets, forming a team for the CASA Bowl-A-Thon, supporting MY kids fundraisers, whatever it takes. You want from me, you better be willing to give. I don't care if it is $5 or a couple of hours of your time, I'll take it. And if I ask, and you can't give, HAVE SOME RESPECT AND AT LEAST RESPOND. Ignoring me is just plain RUDE.
Sorry, but I have a full time job, a few of them actually, and I can no longer justify taking time away from myself, my family, or my worship to give to those who don't give back. You must earn my time, and like my loyalty, I will be fierce in rewarding those who give to me.
Peace out.
a
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Why I haven't been to church lately....
I LOVE MY CHURCH... and I love my pastor.
To some of you this will not make sense. I do not care, this is me, take it or leave it.
To others of you, you will un5derstand completely and some will just try to understand. Thank you.
Two weeks ago I quit smoking. Many view this as a healthy lifestyle change, which it is. But it is also something much bigger for me, it is a struggle with my identity and a battle to re-create the very core of who I am.
I started smoking when I was 14 years old. I quit while I was pregnant and for some, maybe even many years, I only smoked 1-3 cigarettes a day. Regardless, I was a smoker. It was who I was. For maybe half that time, it was the symbol of the rebellious part of who I was. It was a way to say " I don't care what you think " even though maybe I did, or " I'll do what I want " which I would. Some of you know my life changed a lot at 14 years old, more than most teenagers. Smoking was what I did to get through, to deal with it, to have that few moments to myself to face what was happening in my life and put it behind me.
The second half of that time it was my stress release. My life was/is chaotic and it was my way to step outside my home/office/car, outside of all the chaos, and just breathe (as ironic as that may be). It was part of my self-destruction, a crutch I knew I was using to not really deal with things but a way to escape them. Very similar to my weight. I probably know more about nutrition and exercise than 75% of the people reading this post, and have continued to destroy my body for years. Part of me thinks it is a way to berate myself, a way to say "you are not good enough" or "you do not deserve health" or "don't try, you will fail." As Pastor Myron points out, many Christians are extremely hard on themselves and I am no exception.
It is this second half that I struggle with in quitting smoking. It is the devil himself that has battled against God in my head and heart telling me that to deal with my life, to be me, to be happy, I need to smoke. This may sound absurd to some of you, but it is a powerful addiction and as intelligent as I may be, it is all I can do to pray to God and ask him to remove this absurdity from my heart and soul and provide me with the shield and sword I need to get healthy. There are times when all I can do is curl into a ball, turn on the TV, and do my best to lose myself in mindless distractions. My house is a mess, I have no clean laundry, and I've gained 5 lbs. It is the worst in the evening and in the mornings, especially on weekends because that is when I would sit outside, drink my coffee, and smoke.
Two weeks seems like a drop in the bucket right now. It feels as if I have a lifetime of struggle against this ahead of me.
I know I should call a friend, go to church, exercise. Those things are not my first instinct. I have friends going through some real crap in their lives right now, and I know they understand this. I have always been the person that smoked, that is what I did. Now, I am the person that sleeps. What I want is to be the person that meditates, the person that prays, the person that runs, that moves, that turns the stress into a great thing. That is what I am working on.
So.... keep encouraging me. Encourage my husband. Encourage my children. Help me to become what I want to be. Be patient with me. Most of all, pray for me.
And thank you. Thank you to all of you who have been SO encouraging. Amee, mom, Jonna, Angela, Shannon, Tammie, Sheryl, Michelle, so many of you have been so great about encouraging me and checking in on me and being patient with me as I struggle to re-create myself without being a raging bitch.
Peace out!
a
To some of you this will not make sense. I do not care, this is me, take it or leave it.
To others of you, you will un5derstand completely and some will just try to understand. Thank you.
Two weeks ago I quit smoking. Many view this as a healthy lifestyle change, which it is. But it is also something much bigger for me, it is a struggle with my identity and a battle to re-create the very core of who I am.
I started smoking when I was 14 years old. I quit while I was pregnant and for some, maybe even many years, I only smoked 1-3 cigarettes a day. Regardless, I was a smoker. It was who I was. For maybe half that time, it was the symbol of the rebellious part of who I was. It was a way to say " I don't care what you think " even though maybe I did, or " I'll do what I want " which I would. Some of you know my life changed a lot at 14 years old, more than most teenagers. Smoking was what I did to get through, to deal with it, to have that few moments to myself to face what was happening in my life and put it behind me.
The second half of that time it was my stress release. My life was/is chaotic and it was my way to step outside my home/office/car, outside of all the chaos, and just breathe (as ironic as that may be). It was part of my self-destruction, a crutch I knew I was using to not really deal with things but a way to escape them. Very similar to my weight. I probably know more about nutrition and exercise than 75% of the people reading this post, and have continued to destroy my body for years. Part of me thinks it is a way to berate myself, a way to say "you are not good enough" or "you do not deserve health" or "don't try, you will fail." As Pastor Myron points out, many Christians are extremely hard on themselves and I am no exception.
It is this second half that I struggle with in quitting smoking. It is the devil himself that has battled against God in my head and heart telling me that to deal with my life, to be me, to be happy, I need to smoke. This may sound absurd to some of you, but it is a powerful addiction and as intelligent as I may be, it is all I can do to pray to God and ask him to remove this absurdity from my heart and soul and provide me with the shield and sword I need to get healthy. There are times when all I can do is curl into a ball, turn on the TV, and do my best to lose myself in mindless distractions. My house is a mess, I have no clean laundry, and I've gained 5 lbs. It is the worst in the evening and in the mornings, especially on weekends because that is when I would sit outside, drink my coffee, and smoke.
Two weeks seems like a drop in the bucket right now. It feels as if I have a lifetime of struggle against this ahead of me.
I know I should call a friend, go to church, exercise. Those things are not my first instinct. I have friends going through some real crap in their lives right now, and I know they understand this. I have always been the person that smoked, that is what I did. Now, I am the person that sleeps. What I want is to be the person that meditates, the person that prays, the person that runs, that moves, that turns the stress into a great thing. That is what I am working on.
So.... keep encouraging me. Encourage my husband. Encourage my children. Help me to become what I want to be. Be patient with me. Most of all, pray for me.
And thank you. Thank you to all of you who have been SO encouraging. Amee, mom, Jonna, Angela, Shannon, Tammie, Sheryl, Michelle, so many of you have been so great about encouraging me and checking in on me and being patient with me as I struggle to re-create myself without being a raging bitch.
Peace out!
a
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