All this time I was finding myself... and I didn't know I was lost. So says the song. I think that is really what this blog, this year, my life right now, is about. For twenty years, fighting to survive, thrive, accomplish, be a good mother, provider, wife, daughter, friend, attorney. Where was I? Just remnants of me remained (remain?) in the fog of battle, chaos, and busyness.
At some point many of us are in the middle of our careers, middle-aged, or surrounded by children yelling Mommy! Mommy! Even empty-nesters... all looking around and asking themselves "what happened to me? Where am I?"
Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother and I'm a damn good one. My children encourage me to find who I am, not discourage it. But it is easy, as a mom, to hide in that role or be overwhelmed by it and lose site of who you are. And in all the other roles as well... to get caught up in your "role" and lose site of your core, your truth, who "you" are.
Sometimes it is a bad marriage, a life tragedy, a life event, or a miserable job that we allow to fog our vision of us. We allow someone else or something else to temporarily define us, and lose sight of who we really are. Do you know who you are? Do you REALLY know?
The song also says "tried to carry the weight of the world, but I only had two hands." Boy do I know how that feels. At some point that weight overcomes you and you crumble to the ground. At the beginning of the year I tried to describe what that looked like for me. Unhealthy and unhappy...lost.
What have I learned in six months?
I'm an athlete and I'm proud of it. I may not look it yet, but I will, have no doubt. It is okay to love to run. Who cares if I'm not the fastest or if it is bad on your joints. Know what else is bad on your joints? Being fat.
It is okay to be proud and honest of how much you rock! I'm a great attorney! And I'm sick of letting others on occasion waste my time or put me down because they think THEY are the lawyer. I'm slowly learning how to take my time back from these assholes.
Faith is my core. I want more than anything else to glorify God by others recognizing him through me. I have a lot to learn and the journey to amazing faith is incredibly difficult. But if it is your core, it is your truth and you must walk through hell for it.
Truth is my core. I will call you on your bullshit. If you don't like it, there is the door. I don't have time or space in my life or incredibly big heart for posers. I CANNOT stand those that preach love truth and respect and living life and all that crap and then turn around and walk away when you call them on their crap. Forget it, not worth the hassle and not people I want to surround myself with.
I am passionate and loyal. That comes through in my friendships. I am an amazing friend because I am full of passion and loyalty--because I run high emotionally. But, I also have unrealistic expectations for people, especially friends, because of the same core traits. Alexis has gotten this from me. So sometimes I have to let people go even though it hurts my heart. And sometimes I have to just cut friends some slack.
Respect and Integrity are my core. If you say you will do something, do it. Don't do something you'd be afraid to admit to your children, to your parents, to God. Karma is a bitch and I've seen it slap some people around something fierce!
I am a spitfire. I have a terrible temper. It can be rather amusing but can also get me in hot water fast. But it is part of who I am and must be accepted by me and those that love me.
My priorities are clear: God, family, friends, everything else.
I have ignored Me for many years. No one could blame me. But now it is time, time for finding me.
No comments:
Post a Comment