When your baby girl goes to high school

Today is the day of freshman orientation. I'm not going to lie I'm a little bit of a wreck. Almost 14 years ago exactly, I held my little baby in my arms and fell in love for the first time with her. She has been the light of my life and now she is almost all grown up. In four years she will be headed off to college, that seems so soon!

Over the years, high school has seemed so far away. It is that time in your life when you develop your identity and everything that you do really matters. Hopefully, you learn to love yourself as God loves you.

Next year, at this time, she will have her drivers permit! For some reason, that never seemed possible. When I was her age, I was getting into all sorts of trouble. Trouble and making bad decisions. Trouble I hope she does not get into and decisions that she makes in a better way than I did. I really think that it was around this time in my life that I lost myself and my life became about surviving instead of striving.

This is a tough time of mommy guilt. You start thinking about all the things you should have taught her, all the habits you should have gotten her into before this time in her life. All the pictures you should've taken, the home movies and videos that you should have taken, all the life lessons you have yet to teach her. 

Today is really the beginning of the rest of her life. So today my only good choice is to make it the first day of the rest my life. It is time for me to set a good example of which I have failed to do in certain aspects. To get healthy, to establish routines and good habits in life, to take care of myself the way I hope she will take care of herself. It is a tough choice and it will be hard to do, but she is so worth the work.

So here is to today, the first day of the rest of a Lexi's  life, and the first day for the rest of mine.

Day 45- Armageddon

No my peeps, Armageddon is not upon us but it sure looks and sometimes feels like it is.  My heart and prayers go out to all those suffering from these fires and my post below is in no way intended to take away from the seriousness of their situation .

So my 90 day journey ends the day of my half marathon.  My problem has been that it is SO EASY to make excuses not to run in the smoke.  It drives my allergies nuts, wreaks havoc with my asthma, and gives me a headache from hell. I gave up my gym membership long ago because I much prefer to exercise outdoors and dance at the studio.  

BUT, I am grossly undertrained at this point and have got to log some serious miles in the next 45 days.  So tonight I'm considering trying to run my four miles.  If it doesn't pan out I'm going inside.  I'm going to research some free gym trials and hopefully they'll get me through the smoke.  

So that's day 45- no more excuses! 

Fighting the Good Fight in Family Law?

The last few months I've noticed a lot of my family law clients, celebs, and even friends and people I know are getting divorced.  No shocker considering family law makes up the majority of my practice-- but what is shocking to me is many of them have been married the same length of time I have or are my age. 

When I dreamt of being a lawyer I did not dream of being a divorce lawyer.  Do any of us really?  I never intended to practice it in law school and not even during my first 3 years of practice.  My first couple of cases I took as a favor.  Surprise!  I was good at it!  

Over the years I have seen what family law conflicts do to people.  And what people do to each other and their kids.  I'm not going to lie, it's hard on an emotional human being like me.  

So why do I do it?  I do it because I care about people.  Divorce is a traumatic life event.  And even going through modifications of child support or parenting plans is tough on a soul.  I try to encourage couples to reconcile, and I've been successful at times.  But often divorce is a necessity for two people and a family to live the life they want or need to live.  And it is too often the only way for someone who will never be appreciated, respected, truly loved, or valued to escape from their cage.  

Sometimes I end up on the wrong side and it is too late.  Sometimes I end up with an ungrateful client.  And those times are really hard because I put a lot of my heart into my cases.  It is my ultimate goal as an attorney to lessen the impact I allow my cases to have on me.

BUT, not to eliminate it completely.  Because being a lawyer is what I'm good at.  Because being an emotional soul is not only who I am but what I am.  Because I really care about people and I love helping them.  But most of all because I am a warrior, inside and outside the courtroom. It is what God created me to be, a warrior.  So I will fight the good fight as he brings it to me with the tools he has given me.  Even if it sometimes hurts.

Let Freedom Ring! UPDATE

Today is MY INDEPENDENCE DAY!! My freedom and my independence from my poor health and the resulting health problems!

90 days.  90 days until my half marathon.  90 days to freedom.  I've got my battle plan all mapped out and I'm ready to fight!  Ready to become the warrior God created me to be.  

More details to come on my battle plan.  Just know that I would love any suggestions and support.  

Love you all!

A

UPDATE:

So my battle plan:  I decided some time ago I am not living the life I want to live.  There are things present that I want gone or changed and things not present that I want to be abundant in my life. 

So my "battle" is the battle towards eliminating the icky things and filling my life with the good things.  I've created a "battle plan" to accomplish those goals broken down into three phases (yes, I know, I am such a Type A).  There is no timeline on these phases-- I'm just going to do them until I feel they are somewhat mastered. 

Phase I includes:  Faith, Me Time, Anti-Stress, Sleep, Activity, and Exercise.

 

I will try to create a video to explain more thoroughly.  Any advice, comments, encouragement, suggestions, help, or feedback would be very much appreciated.  Here we go! 

Can't figure out how to post the video, hopefully later.

 

 

Living through Faith

Many say faith is believing in what you do not see.  While that is true, many of us lawyer types, type A, analysts, etc find that faith is often accepting what we do not understand.  We can believe in what we don't see but it is just so much harder to accept what we do not understand.

A year and a half ago it was so much easier to lose Abby. Don't get me wrong, it was hard, but she expected it, we expected it for a long time.  She was so at peace with it and in so much pain for so long.  She made me believe it was okay.  And when she was gone and ever since, I have been at peace with it and SO happy to have her for a guardian angel. 

Jeff Parker, a pillar of the Wenatchee Christian Community, has now passed. I really only knew him tangentially.  I had only been in the same room with him a handful of times. But his daughter is an amazing dancer at the studio and his wife a warrior against cancer. Jeff was so faithful to God and on fire for Jesus.  I really looked forward to his FB posts on the latest good news on his wife's cancer.  And Jeff made it all sound like good news. 

Now Jeff is gone and so many people left to try to understand why.  He wasn't sick, we weren't expecting this and it makes it so much harder to accept what we do not understand.  But from what little I know of Jeff I know he would want us to accept his passing as Gods will and know he is at peace.  

So for Jeff's family I will pray.  Pray hard for them as I cannot imagine what they are going through.  And I will pray hard for his close friends that this brings them closer to God and they can accept, in faith, what they do not understand.

As for Jeff I say to him "thank you ".  So many of God's children are closer to him because of Jeff.  Thank you for being a warrior for your family Jeff.  Thank you for showing us what it means to be a man of God.  Because of you I will try incessantly to not only believe in what I do not see, but accept what I do not understand.

2015-The Year of ME

I'm BACK!  It took a while, but here I am.  I tell you it would be so much stinkin easier to blog if I could somehow do it on my phone like I can on a computer.  Maybe I'll figure out how to voice command blogs?  If so, be prepared for some good auto-text fails.

So 2013 was the year of realization and 2014 was supposed to be the year of change.  It was a little, but not a lot and not like I needed it to be.  2015 is the year of ME! Those that know me well can probably guess how the year's intentions started- a detailed list of like 40 resolutions all written out with frequency in a month to work on them and what days to focus on which resolutions.  HA!

Now that we are two months into this year, I've realized some big stuff.  Well, mainly one big thing.  It all starts with ME!  And Him, but he is part of working on ME.  My friends and family are always saying "you need to take some time for yourself" "you are so hard on yourself" and so on and so forth.  I was always like "sure, as soon as I have time I'll get right on that."  But, I've realized in the past two months, THEY WERE RIGHT!  I WAS WRONG!  Record it in history folks, I was wrong!

All the things I want to change, all the time I want to spend with HIM, it all starts with ME.  How I feel about myself, I mean REALLY FEEL!  How I treat myself and let others treat me.  How much I love myself the way He loves me.  How I spend my time, energy and emotions.  How I treat my body, my mind, my spirit.  It all comes down to I've been treating myself like crap.  And I'M CHANGING THAT!

 I've had some really great inspiration.  I have to think the Brave Girl's Club, Tabitha Evan's page "Inspiring Sanity, my mom for getting me the subscription to One Little Word, and Sarah LaVallee (sorry if I'm spelling that incorrectly Sarah)!  Also Destinee Grable and her awesome yoga practice posts on Facebook and SO many of my friends who have been so supportive and so determined in opening up my eyes to what the real change needs to be- JP, Jonna, Shannon, Leona, Lori, just to name a few.

One Little Word is about choosing a word to focus on for the year.  Each month there are prompts for your word.  Some are crafty and some are more of a journaling type of exercise.  I really had a hard time choosing my word.  I kept throwing around Renew, Transform, Change, and most of all Freedom.  Then it hit me today after a whirlwind month for me personally and professionally- ME.  So that is my word for the year and that is what I will be focusing on-ME. 

So come along on this journey with me.  Love to you all! 

a

My time, my beautiful valuable time...

...Is too often wasted by stupid people and stupid things.  I am done, I am taking my time back.  I found a quote today that was SO awesome:

"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage...pleasantly, smiling, nonapologetically...to say 'no' to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside." - Stephen Covey
So not all the things I'll be saying no to are stupid, nor the people.  But I notice for the most part, most people do not perceive my time as valuable.  I charge quite a lot for my time at work, so sometimes I think "Geez, that doctor's office that kept me waiting an hour owes me $200!"  But then I realize, it's a doctor's office.  So I will wait, because it's the doctor's office, and it isn't the receptionist's fault and maybe not even the doctor's :)

BUT... for the rest of "the people".  I'm done.  You have a finite amount of my time that I will choose to give to you..  If you don't take it when I offer it to you, too bad, you don't get any.  I think this is a relatively simple principal.  I may even tell you how much of my time you get, 5 minutes? 10 minutes? 2 minutes? etc.  If you say you are going to show up and I waste my time waiting for you, you probably aren't going to get more than a second chance.

I will also try, very hard, to be respectful of everyone else's time.  I will try REALLY HARD not to be late, not to drone on or ramble, and call you when I say I'm going to call you or show up when I say I'm going to show up. 

Your problems are not my problems.  I have plenty of problems already.   If I choose to help you with your problems, it is my choice.  If you shove your problems onto me, that is wasting my time, and that is going to piss me off.  And now, I'm going to say NO.

This really doesn't apply to my close friends and family because they know if they ever need anything, even my time, I will give it to them.  BUT, I am going to start putting my phone on Do Not Disturb quite a bit.  So if you need to get in touch with me, you can ask me for our home phone number and I'll give it to you (if you are close friends or family).  But if you call me about some legal issue and you aren't calling from jail your telephone privileges are going to be taken away:)

And yes, Dad, this post may seem "angry" to you.  It is in a way.  However, I'm also excited for this realization!  It means more time for the things I need and love, and less time for the things I don't.  So if you catch me letting others waste my time, sternly tell me NO.

love, a

This is All About ME!

All this time I was finding myself... and I didn't know I was lost.  So says the song.  I think that is really what this blog, this year, my life right now, is about.  For twenty years, fighting to survive, thrive, accomplish, be a good mother, provider, wife, daughter, friend, attorney.  Where was I?  Just remnants of me remained (remain?) in the fog of battle, chaos, and busyness. 

At some point many of us are in the middle of our careers, middle-aged, or surrounded by children yelling Mommy! Mommy!  Even empty-nesters... all looking around and asking themselves "what happened to me?  Where am I?" 

Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother and I'm a damn good one.  My children encourage me to find who I am, not discourage it.  But it is easy, as a mom, to hide in that role or be overwhelmed by it and lose site of who you are.  And in all the other roles as well... to get caught up in your "role" and lose site of your core, your truth, who "you" are. 

Sometimes it is a bad marriage, a life tragedy, a life event, or a miserable job that we allow to fog our vision of us.  We allow someone else or something else to temporarily define us, and lose sight of who we really are.  Do you know who you are?  Do you REALLY know? 

The song also says "tried to carry the weight of the world, but I only had two hands."  Boy do I know how that feels.  At some point that weight overcomes you and you crumble to the ground.  At the beginning of the year I tried to describe what that looked like for me.  Unhealthy and unhappy...lost.

What have I learned in six months? 

I'm an athlete and I'm proud of it.  I may not look it yet, but I will, have no doubt. It is okay to love to run.  Who cares if I'm not the fastest or if it is bad on your joints.  Know what else is bad on your joints?  Being fat.

It is okay to be proud and honest of how much you rock!  I'm a great attorney!  And I'm sick of letting others on occasion waste my time or put me down because they think THEY are the lawyer.  I'm slowly learning how to take my time back from these assholes.

Faith is my core.  I want more than anything else to glorify God by others recognizing him through me.  I have a lot to learn and the journey to amazing faith is incredibly difficult.  But if it is your core, it is your truth and you must walk through hell for it.

Truth is my core.  I will call you on your bullshit.  If you don't like it, there is the door.  I don't have time or space in my life or incredibly big heart for posers.  I CANNOT stand those that preach love truth and respect and living life and all that crap and then turn around and walk away when you call them on their crap.  Forget it, not worth the hassle and not people I want to surround myself with.

I am passionate and loyal.  That comes through in my friendships.  I am an amazing friend because I am full of passion and loyalty--because I run high emotionally.  But, I also have unrealistic expectations for people, especially friends, because of the same core traits.  Alexis has gotten this from me.  So sometimes I have to let people go even though it hurts my heart.  And sometimes I have to just cut friends some slack.

Respect and Integrity are my core.  If you say you will do something, do it.  Don't do something you'd be afraid to admit to your children, to your parents, to God.  Karma is a bitch and I've seen it slap some people around something fierce!

I am a spitfire.  I have a terrible temper.  It can be rather amusing but can also get me in hot water fast.  But it is part of who I am and must be accepted by me and those that love me.

My priorities are clear:  God, family, friends, everything else. 

I have ignored Me for many years.  No one could blame me.  But now it is time, time for finding me.

2014- April Showers Bring May Flowers

Well March ended with a bang!  Especially awesome was the Wenatchee World posting a link to my blog, making the entire thing public!  So I may have some new readers I suppose?

The first quarter of the year is over, wow time flies! And WOW has the weather improved! Soccer has started back up again, spring break is over, and the two week break from dance flew by.  The spring is full of events, starting with this crazy week.

I re-read all my posts since the beginning of the year and that was really good for me.  It has helped me to re-focus on my goals and desires for the year.  I have really ramped up my running, but of course got injured, and am now under constant scrutiny by my chiropractor;) I will continue to run and I WILL run that half marathon this year, even if I have to crawl over the finish line! I have one or two runs planned for each month except this one, the 10k.  It is ahead of my training schedule but I'm not planning on running the whole thing anyways.  I'm also planning on slowly adding some other elements to my training. 

As far as my relationship with God, I am working on it.  I have missed way more church than I am comfortable with but we had a good family meeting about it.  I am slowly reading a great book, although it is a little over my head.  I have to read each chapter twice and often go back and review all the previous chapters. 

My work on my "outlets" has sucked, but I will change that and I will change that now.  Looking back, I remember why it is so important to my health to do so.  My Dad called this week and his numbers (cholesterol, etc.) are WAY better than mine.  Not for long daddy!  The rest of this crazy busy week is going to be focused on outlets, especially walking and praying.  I so often neglect this much needed time for me.

So hear is to April!  It may bring some showers, but we will reap the rewards with the May flowers (both literally and metaphorically speaking:))

The WHS Basketball Coach Story and What Happened Last Night (Not for the faint of heart)

So... as many of you know I am friends with an individual at the center of the Ron Stone scandal at Wenatchee High School.  For those who don't know, Ron Stone was the head boy's basketball coach at WHS.  His assistant coach was Brandon Hobson.  For the sake of privacy (as if any is left in this situation), we will call my friend PLAYER'S MOM and her son PLAYER.

Several weeks ago, a text conversation happened between Ron Stone and Mr. Hobson.  Here is how it went:

RS:  PLAYER'S MOM please bend over

BH:  ... and just take it like a bad girl!

RS:  I swear to you she came in the room to talk to me about PLAYER.... She has put on a bit of weight.

BH:  Agree!  More cushin for the pushin!

One of the coaches (I think Mr. Hobson) left his phone in the locker room plugged into a charger (I think it was a player's phone charger but not sure).  Some of the players saw it and read through his texts.  Once they found the texts they either took a picture of them or forwarded them to themselves.  Then, they forwarded them to the entire school.  This happened on a Saturday night and the texts literally went viral by Monday morning.

PHASE I of the incident: 
Did these men mean to harm anyone with these comments?  I doubt it.
Did they mean for anyone to ever see them?  Surely not.
Should the boys ever have dug through anyone's phone?  Absolutely not.

BUT... THEY DID.

These comments never should be spoken, much less put in writing, about any woman, especially when you are a coach and you are speaking about a player's mother.

If you lack the judgment to put things like this down in writing, you better make damn sure anyone involved in the conversation deletes it.

If you lack the judgment to put things like this in texts, keep your phone on you.  In your pocket, in your jacket, in your bag, in your vehicle-- but not out in the open where a bunch of teenage boys can look through your phone (as we all know, teenagers will certainly take advantage of such a situation).

PLAYER and his brother get to school on Monday and are mobbed by students asking them about the texts regarding their mother.  They are angry, they are devastated, and they are embarrassed.  They are disappointed and hurt by two men whom were role models to them, father figures to them, whom they trusted.  Their teammates did not come to them with the texts, instead they forwarded them around the entire school.  The WHS administration learns of the texts, but does not alert PLAYER'S MOTHER.

Phase II of the incident:
Should the players that spread the texts be punished?  Yes, and they were.
Should the coaches have immediately notified the mother and apologized?  Yes, but they didn't.
Should the principal have immediately notified the mother?  Yes, but he didn't.

PLAYER goes to basketball practice that evening, confused as to what to do.  PLAYER'S teammates make fun of him all practice.  PLAYER is scared to tell his mom about the inappropriate comments, but finally does Monday evening.

PLAYER'S MOM calls the principal Tuesday morning, who already knows what she is calling about.  Principal apologizes.  PLAYER'S MOM is, of course, furious but is most concerned about her sons.  PLAYER'S MOM does not start a campaign to get these coaches fired, she assumes the administration will do the right thing.  Ron Stone and Brandon Hobson are placed on administrative leave for approximately one week.  THEN THEY ARE REINSTATED.  PLAYER quits, as it has just been implied to him that he doesn't matter and the administration doesn't care what the coaches did to him. Again, PLAYER'S MOM does not attend a school board meeting and demand Ron Stone be fired, she turns her attention to her sons.

Brandon Hobson has the guts and morals to resign his position.  Bryan Worley is asked by Ron Stone to coach spring ball and pulls Bryan's son up to varsity.

Coach Stone's contract comes up and the principal (doing the right thing) declines to renew it.  Coach Stone is not fired, the principal has the discretion to renew any coach's contract with or without reason.  Coach Stone's coaching career has been plagued by problems with assistant coaches, athletic directors, players, and players' parents.  Two years ago there was a petition to have him removed signed by the entire varsity basketball team, it was ignored.  Coach Stone formerly coached girl's basketball.

Bryan Worley starts a Facebook and text campaign stating Coach Stone was "fired" because PLAYER'S MOM threatened to sue the administration over the incident.  This campaign is propagated by the Wenatchee High School Boy's Basketball Facebook page.  His campaign commands everyone to show up to the school board meeting 3/25 (last night) and "Rally and get this wrong act reversed.  We cannot allow PLAYER'S MOM to control the outcome of all our kids future."  Keep in mind Worley personally benefited from Coach Stone and the incident.  This is further victimization of PLAYER'S MOM and PLAYER, who are just trying to get on with their lives.  No lawsuit was ever filed and PLAYER'S MOM had no input into Ron Stone's future as a coach, or clearly he never would have been reinstated in the first place.

PLAYER'S MOM does not want to show up at the school board meeting because she will be attacked and ostracized and no one will hear her side of the story.  So I went instead.

There were about 30-40 people at the school board meeting. I overheard the principal telling someone 80% of the attendees were there because of the Ron Stone scandal.  There were six total people signed up to speak, of which I was one.

Mr. Hobson was first and cried about how Ron Stone was a great coach whom had never been supported by the administration, players, parents, or other coaches (well that should tell you something right there).  He quoted from Footlose (really?) and urged the School Board to reconsider.

Next came a guy who had known Ron for a very long time, since high school, and equated the grief he felt over the principal's decision to the grief he felt for his brother that had just died from cancer (really?).

A player's parents got up and said their son originally said he wouldn't play for Ron Stone (gee, I wonder why?) but had grown to admire and respect Coach Stone and, again, asked the board to reconsider the decision.

Then came me.  I said what I could blurt out in my 3 minutes.  Who I was, that PLAYER'S MOM had told me she never threatened to sue the district and as an attorney, I couldn't think of what she would be able to sue for anyways.  I tried to describe the hell she and her sons had been put through, that she was being further victimized by Mr. Worley's campaign and that she had wide support in this community and others.  I thanked Coach Hobson for resigning, because it was the right thing to do.  Probably a lot of other stuff I don't remember, but I DIDN'T GET TO READ ALOUD THE TEXT MESSAGES.  I would guess that 90% of Coach Stone's supporters have no idea what they say. 

After I spoke I left as I didn't want to hear what the two people after me had to say.  I was approached by a really nice guy that told me he agreed with me 100% and described his decades of observations of Coach Stone (he had nothing nice to say, believe me).  Unfortunately, just as we were wrapping up our conversation the public comment section was over and everyone was leaving.  As I was walking out the door, two teenage girls (pretty sure they were Coach Stone's daughters) started yelling at me to "get my facts straight" and that those texts were stolen from him and how would I like my texts sent out to everyone?  One of the girls was quite charged up and the other one was dragging her off like she was breaking up a bar brawl.  I tried to speak my peace, that I did have my facts straight and I wouldn't have been stupid enough to leave my phone out like that, but a smart man told us all here was not the place. 

To her I say:  I'm sorry.  You and your family must be going through hell too because of your father's actions.  But they were your father's actions, he did them to himself, and he is not the victim.  I will pray for your family and your father.  But if history has taught us anything, one big mistake can destroy an otherwise amazing career and reputation.  Coach Stone committed that one big mistake, and now he has to face responsibility and take ownership of the consequences of that mistake. 

It is time for this to be OVER for PLAYER'S MOM and PLAYER.  It is also time for this to be over for all the coaches and players involved.  It is time to learn from what happened, move on, and heal. 

I did not stand up for this person because I consider her a friend.  I stood up for her because what happened to her was wrong in every way.  Because I believe women should be treated with respect, even in a conversation two men intend to be kept private.  Because I believe coaches and educators should be role models and mentors to our youth.  Because I don't ever want to be spoken about in that way and I don't ever want my daughters to be spoken about in that way, coached by a man who speaks that way, or date a boy who speaks that way.  Because I am a Wenatchee School District parent, a resident of Wenatchee, a voter in Wenatchee, and a woman.  And finally, because I don't ever want those two men around my daughters, EVER. 

2014- The Ides of March

I don't really get what the Ides of March means.  I googled it and I still don't get it.  But it does correspond with my Dad's birthday, ha ha!  The last two weeks have been focused on.... RUNNING!  I am getting caught up on my training and hope to be fully caught up by the end of this month.  This last weekend was truly inspirational.

We traveled to Coeur 'D' Alene (or however you spell it) for Alexis' Regional Dance Competition.  She did amazing, as did all dancers from Dance Creations.  The teachers at that studio and the director are clearly TALENTED.  One of the judges was/is the main choreographer on America's Got Talent and as I was sitting there watching DC dance after dance I realized a lot of our studio's dancers are good enough to not only audition for that show, but make it quite a ways.  A lot of these girls have suffered injuries and surgeries this past year, one was dancing with a knee brace.  It was amazing.  It taught me that, even though these girls are 1/2 my age, if you dedicate yourself to something and condition your body right, you can do it.  Sure many of them have natural talent, but talent without dedication and the right coaching= nothing.  Just as I am NOT a natural runner (I quit track in middle school after the first day) I am dedicated, I will be coached, and I will condition my body right.  And now the weather is even cooperating!

Using my outlets is going okay.  I should've used them more over the past couple of weeks but this week I will use them like crazy because it is going to be a crazy week.  Tomorrow my baby turns 9 years old!  This weekend we will be celebrating with parties AND she is in a pageant.  Josh starts symphony rehearsal for the LAST CONCERT OF THE SEASON THANK YOU GOD! Soccer will start soon and we are now going to be gearing up for April happenings:  the concert, the Wenatchee Marathon (10k for me), Easter, spring break, etc.

May, June, and July will be very busy.  Soccer, recital, Apple Blossom, several runs, end of school and all that comes with it, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and the National Competition in July and Disneyland. 

BUT...one week at a time:)  Bring on this week! Love to you all!

Arianna

2014-Almost done with February! And winter has arrived...wait, what?

The Olympics are over and the end of February is near.  And I just have to say, the weather has not cooperated at all this year.  Oh how I long for the spring!!!  We keep getting all this pretend snow that doesn't stick and not enough sunshine. 

As we near the end of February, I've been thinking a lot about my goals.  I have definitely made steps to accomplishing them, but not yet accomplished all I've wanted to at this point. It is funny how life throws you curveballs when you least expect them.  Our household has been sick, and I mean sick, throughout the entire month.  We all got the nasty cold, and then the stomach flu.  I haven't been moving as much as I'd like, but I did go on my first official training run.  I've got my schedule set out up until my half-marathon and have at least contacted a running coach.  I plan on going on a run every day this week and am going to really focus on my running for the next three weeks.

I have been doing a good job on my outlets.  I've been reading, singing, and listening to music to help wind down.  I'm not sure everyone in the house appreciates my singing but that's okay:)  I have also been doing a good job the last week just giving stuff to God.  I've realized that my passion and emotion are great things, but they get in the way and make things harder for me often and it is time to start putting them to use where they do some good.  I have often thought my goal for my work was to be able to get through my work days without my blood pressure going sky high multiple times a day.  I'm getting there.

I'm not so sure that Weight Watchers will be the way I handle my nutrition.  It is a great program, but it adds a lot to your life to do and that may not be most effective for me with our family's schedule.  I think it is a lot like quitting smoking.  You think that doing it right all at once is the best, but it isn't for me.  I'm going to start focusing on just one thing, and reducing my smoking by one cigarette, per week.  At the end of March, I will see where I am and if that isn't working, I'll do something else.

I am most looking forward to walking, walking everywhere and a lot.  The snow has given me lots of excuses not to do it, but I've realized I am so much more productive in achieving my goals if I am moving in any way.  I've got the necessary equipment, so don't laugh at me if you see me walking around with my earmuffs, gloves, bundled up beyond all recognition.  I plan on really ramping up my exercise in March.  Focusing not only on moving and running, but getting back to kickboxing and in the middle of March, back to dancing. 

The past 7 or 8 weeks I've realized a lot of patterns in my days and weeks as far as when I am most stressed and when I need to use outlets for that stress, even if I don't realize it at the time.  I may feel fine after a really emotional hearing or something big happening in a case, but I still need the ten minutes of walking, a run, or something for that emotion and/or stress or it will bite me in the butt later that day or week.  I've also realized that I need to workout every day, it just makes me feel SO much better. 

So here is to the last week of February and the beginning of March!  Let's do this!

2014- Almost to February!

Just  a couple more days and we are 1/12th done with this year already!  It has been a tough couple of weeks, somehow each week is busier than the next?  Birthdays are now done (kind of) and solo and ensemble will be done at the end of this week.  And Superbowl when the Seahawks WIN on Sunday!  It is the constant hub of activity surrounding all these things that throws me and I suppose has for the last twenty years.  You know what I mean, it is always "well this week is a bad week, I'll start X next week."  And this weather doesn't help a damn bit, can I get an "Amen!" 

Each week it is appointments, and dance class, and piano lessons, and big cases, and court days, and, well, there is always something.  Some reason not to take care of myself, some reason not to succeed or reach my goals this week.  For some, it is the reason not to diet, or quit drinking, for some it is the reason not to go to church or start going to church, and for some it is the reason not to spend time with their family or do that one big thing they have been procrastinating (find a new job, address their broken marriage or broken child, what have you....).  For me, it is to quit hibernating and to use my time to take care of business (and by business, I mean taking care of myself). 

Yes, I said hibernating, just like a bear but with a TV and not only in the winter.  I sleep, I nap, that is the way I deal with my stress.  It is embarrassing, but at the end of my workday or mid-weekend day, I nap.  It is an escape, a way to allow my brain and my body to unwind with as little effort as possible.  Then, like today, I wake up and the only thing I want to do is stay in that bed and watch TV.  Have a decaf mocha for dinner and call it a day.  For some of you this crutch is drinking, and for the wiser of you, it is exercising, reading, praying, all of the things I want my crutch to be. 

My goal for January was to quit this crap, to put healthier outlets in place so my body, mind, and soul would not continue to put the anxiety and stress of each day in a box with a loose lid somewhere else in my mind.  I wouldn't say I have failed, but, per usual me, I wouldn't say I've succeeded either. 

I am getting there.  Slowly working on developing these outlets, but I haven't been great about putting them in place and February brings new goals that must be placed on top of the greatest goal- to start taking care of myself.  It will happen, I will do it, because I can...because that is who I am. 

I thank those who have been with me so far on this journey.  My mom and dad for encouraging me and believing not only that I can do it, but that I will do it.  All of you whom have told me how much you like my blogs and to keep it up, all of you that have prayed for me.  Jonna for always being my best coach and walking with me.

This journey has only just begun, this month is not over yet, and neither is this night.  I will keep up the good fight, despite the challenges this month has brought, this week has yet to bring, and even this night is currently bringing with my children fighting as I write this. 

Thank you all... here is to a fabulous rest of the week, a fabulous rest of the month, and BRING IT ON FEBRUARY!!!

2014- Halfway Through January ALREADY!!!

Well, here it is halfway through January and I'm already slacking off on posting and the promised "more pictures":)  I am not going to lie, it has been a TOUGH YEAR ALREADY!!

We started the new school "year" with going back to dance combined with a new employee at work and BAM!  UTTER CHAOS!  We have been super busy at work which is great, but at the end of the workday I feel like a big stress ball. That really did not bode well for me last week.  That dresser, the beginning of all things beautiful and victorious in 2014, still a dresser sitting empty.

BUT... this week I am doing better.  I started the week off rough but after a somewhat scary doctor's appointment realized I have to RELAX.  Not watch TV, not take a nap, but actively RELAX.  That may sound like an oxymoron, but if you know me you understand.  I have been reading more, praying more, breathing more, and I actually made it to kickboxing tonight (only because of a couple of AWESOME friends, you know who you are!).  I started walking, not for exercise but to de-stress.  Walking in the morning, walking at work, walking at night, just walking.  It helps a lot for me. 

So, until the end of the month I am going to just try to keep taking advantage of more and more healthy outlets.  I'm not worrying about training, dieting, etc.  I am just trying to take one bad habit and work on it little by little, using the tools at my disposal to help. 

Now I'm off to eat a late dinner with my girlies and snuggle in for a little comedy TV and probably a long hot shower to ease some of these sore muscles.  Goodnight all!

2014-Birthday Festivities

My birthday is January 2nd and my Dad has joked I celebrate it for a week:)  I had an AWESOME birthday "week" this year.  Beautiful cards from friends and family, the day off thanks to my awesome partner, beautiful gifts from my husband and girls, lunch with my mom, dinner with the ladies, mani/pedis with April, a massage from Brooks, a beautiful birthday song from my sister, and lots of sweet texts, calls, and Facebook shout outs! 

My birthday is often a bittersweet day because it is the day after New Years.  When a lot of us, including me, are dwelling on the resolutions we didn't accomplish the year before and in awe at the big resolutions we have declared for the new year.  This year is no different for me, with one exception:  I'm done looking back and now I'm looking forward. 

I've set the bar high, extremely high, for what I want this year, my 34th year of life.  But I am strong, a survivor, a fighter, determined, intelligent, and able to do anything I want to do in this life.  Thank you to my parents for teaching me that, and to my friends for continuing to remind me. 

As I'm sure it is for a lot of you, it is hard for me to know where to start.  I have decided to take the next three weeks to develop a habit, or habits, of finding and using healthy outlets for emotion, stress, anxiety, and worry.  That will pave the way for achieving all my other goals this year.  It is going to be tough as I am a creature of routine and to create new routines and change old ones is a struggle.

It may sound odd, but I have started with a dresser.  A dresser that will hold the things I need for healthy outlets.  Workout outfits grouped together, a place for journals, bibles, and books, music, walking shoes, and a place where I can make a list of those healthy outlets and turn to that list several times a day.  Tomorrow the dresser will be put together, even if I have to do it myself, and the items will be placed in it.  And next year, around this day, I will be excited and proud of all the things I accomplished in 2014 and all the things to come in 2015 and think "it all started with a dresser."

2014-The Year of Change-Day 1

Well HERE WE GO!!!  2014 is going to be the year of change!  Like most control freaks I hate change.  But for several months I have been thinking a lot about a sermon focused on Surrender that my pastor gave one Sunday.  There is also a section in A Purpose Driven Life about surrendering.  My favorite quote is you surrender to something, and if it isn't God what is it?  I think for me it has been fear, chaos, stress for way too long.  In 2014 I want to completely surrender my life to God and not all the negative crap that has ruled me for too long. 

Emotionally that means letting go.  Letting go of past mistakes, letting go of yesterday, letting go of past hurts.  It means addressing those things, feeling that pain, addressing it, and giving it to God.  It means daily giving my emotional baggage to God, whatever it may be that day.  That means praying, talking it out, walking, meditating, working out, dancing, singing, whatever releases the negative and allows me to focus on the positive and the Lord.

Mentally that means focusing.  I do a good job of focusing at work but too many days work follows me home, invades my dreams and sleep, and shadows my time that should be focused on my family, myself, and all the little gems of life that surround us everyday. 

Physically that means forgiving myself for the past twenty years neglecting my body and health.  Today is only what matters.  Eating right, exercising, addressing my health issues, and the list goes on. 

Spiritually it means submerging myself in the Lord.  In his word, in prayer, in putting him in the drivers seat.  I want to miss church less, read more, pray more, thank and trust him more. 

Physically how does all of this manifest itself?  You will see me happier.  You will see me spending more time on my needs and myself.  You will see me more at church.  I will be reading more- fiction that I love and Christian books.  I will be saying "no" more.  To others and to myself, to my fears, to stress, to chaos, to negative thinking.  I will be walking all the time: in the morning, at work, at night, you name it.

 I will be compartmentalizing my work from home.  I won't be taking calls from clients after work hours.  I won't be discussing work unless I am at work.  We will be spending more time together as a family, and less time on electronics in separate rooms of the house.

I will run a 10k and a half-marathon in 2014.  It is a tall order, but I am strong and I can and will do it.  I will be a mean, lean, kickboxing machine.  I will quit smoking, quit skipping meals, quit focusing my meals around junk. 

I will start Weight Watchers next week.  This week I will workout three times and next week four, and so on.  I will most likely need to hire a running coach. 

This year will be full of change.  Some is unforeseen.  But we will be going on vacation for the first time ever when we travel to Disneyland this summer.  We will be adding at least one new addition, a Blue Merle Australian Shepherd, to the family.  If I can talk Josh into it we may also be adding a new kitten and another Shi Tzu (wish me good luck on those). 

Tomorrow I turn 34 years old.  It is a bit scary, I'll admit, being so close to 35.  But I plan on running a marathon my 35th year and that will keep me on track, motivate me to become healthier in every aspect of my life.   Today I got all the lazy out;)  But tomorrow will be about me.  About exercising and spending time with friends and family and starting this new life.

2014 will be a year of change.  But it is time.  And I am ready for it.

2014

Goodbye 2013! The Year of Realization...

Well, as promised, this is me- open, honest and transparent.  Some may say "Why?" "Why do you put your business out there like this?"  The answer is easy:  to help others.  And so they can help me.  I hope my blogs, my posts will bring joy, inspiration, education, comfort, and be able to help others who face the same things I face/have faced in my life.  My ultimate goal in life is for God's light to shine through me.

And I want your help!  I want your support, your information and education, your encouragement,  your laughter and peace. So feel free to message me or post comments.

I call 2013 the Year of Realization for me because, quite simply, I realized a lot of things this year.  About myself, about others, about life. 

This year I was diagnosed with a serious health condition.  Those that are close, know.  If you don't know, don't ask because I won't tell you.  It doesn't affect my work but it does affect the rest of my life.  I struggled with not letting it define me, this diagnosis, and I won't let it.  I struggled with medication and I am on a good path, medically. 

I realized, through all of this, that the past twenty years of my life have been spent surviving instead of thriving.  Trying to get through life instead of love and live my life.  Those of you that have known me for twenty years know some of those years of struggle.  Some of you have gotten me through those years.  But those years are over now, I have survived. 

Throughout survival, I have neglected myself emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  That is one of the biggest realizations I have come to.  With the death of a friend late this year I realized just this very thing and that it is time to let go.  Let go of the past twenty years of hurts and disappointments, largely in myself.  Take the good and move forward to change (which I hate).  But 2014 WILL be the year of change. 

It is time to begin.  Begin caring for myself in all these ways I haven't for so long.  To find healthy emotional and mental outlets for stress and anxiety.  There are so many things I love to do that are healthy outlets, things that used to define me but have gotten lost in the years of my life.  Singing, dancing, walking, being outdoors, writing, reading, photography.  All things I plan on doing instead of napping or smoking to get away from it all.

There is an athlete inside of me, I can feel her wanting to burst out.  Many of you don't know this about me but I played sports all through school.  In high school I let a lot slip, struggling to survive, but still managed to play volleyball and softball.  I played basketball for years.  But I want to run and I mean RUN.  Run all year, run for exercise and sanctuary, just run.  I absolutely love Zumba and have been inspired by my instructor, Ms. Amy Ferrell, who is amazing. 

This year I also found kickboxing thanks to JP!  I love it.  I love it because I am drenched in sweat when it is over and I love it because it embodies the fact that I am a FIGHTER.  A warrior.  Always but more so now than ever.

Spiritually, it is time as well.  Time to submerge myself in the Lord, his word and his presence.  To surrender both the daily struggles and worries and those of my lifetime to HIM.  I have held back from him and it is time to let go of the control I have held so tightly to and give it all to him.

2013 was amazing in so many ways.  The birth of a beautiful godbaby Lexi, two new beautiful nieces and nephews (Saya and Caleb), the strength of my marriage reaching higher than I ever thought possible, and, of course, the purchase of our first new and beautiful home.  Our firm continues to grow and prosper and I have found the daily best friends and sisters in Jonna and Shannon.  They love me no matter what and they watch out for me in a way that my actual big sister cannot.  My actual big sister, Sheiska, and I are closer than ever before and I share the same closeness with my parents.   My children continue to be amazing, beautiful, precious beams of light in my world.  My pets continue to provide me daily comfort and amusement.  I have gotten to spend amazing time with my "girls"; Brooks, Wendy, Billye, Erica, Kristin, Tiena, and all of those I may have forgotten.  And finally, I gained a guardian angel, Abby. 

I have realized so much this year, 2013.  But 2014 is the year of change and I am READY!!!!

Catch My Breath

Oh yeah, that's right, I'm quoting the song title of a Kelly Clarkson song as the title of my blog:)

So last we talked I was about 3 to 4 weeks quit smoking.  I have since relapsed.  This is a very emotional journey for me as I have shared in my previous blogs.  The response I got from some close to me was surprising.  My cheerleaders remained awesome!  Others said things like "you sound so angry" "obviously you are grumpy" or "that's life".  That sucked.  I know this relapse will be disappointing to a lot of you but I am doing my best and that will need to be good enough.

Don't laugh, but I went to a hypnotherapist in the midst of my deepest struggle.  She had a lot of wisdom to share.  My session didn't make me quit smoking (which was of course the intended result), but it shone a light into the chaos of this struggle.  Essentially what I realized is I was going about this backwards.  I was starting with the end goal, the destination and trying to work my way backwards.  Starting with quitting smoking, and then flailing about trying to work into an exercise routine, good nutrition, and ways to deal with all the smoking triggers.  Classic me! 

So I realized I needed to visualize my "goal" or destination of quitting smoking and getting healthy and go from there.  What that means for me is to implement an exercise routine, focus on nutrition, and stress management/reduction... working my way to quitting smoking and getting healthy.  This realization has really boosted my confidence and reduced my stress.

So I am "catching my breath" as Kelly would say.  I am gradually increasing my exercise, this week to 5 times per week.  I am trying to walk as much as possible during the workday as a stress release instead of immediately turning to smoking.  As a family, we are focusing on eating at home.  I am going to run my 5K's even though I will need to walk part of them.  I am focusing on quiet time, a little bit at a time and trying to improve my prayer life and time spent in bible study. I am succeeding.

By the third week of May I'll be focusing my exercise routine to include all of the necessary elements (i.e. cardio, flexibility, strength) and we will be working on more focused meditation and relaxation techniques as a family.  I'll continue my bible study and increase the time I spend for myself in the morning and evening.  Finally, I'll be walking a LOT more.  We are also really working on prepping and preparing our food, especially fruits and veggies.  It is such a hard routine for us to get into but we are getting there! 

I'm not setting a timeline on myself this time.  I'm guessing it will probably be early summer when I quit for good... After all, this is the year of the Cozarts! 

Peace out

a

No More Yes Man (or Woman in this case)....

Something has been really chappin my hide lately and it is time for a change.  Heck, it is a season of change for me, yes?  No more smoking, going to get healthy, why not add to the mix?!  The big change is:  No More Yes Man (or Woman in this case). 

My grandma always said "if you want something done, ask a busy person to do it."  Boy she wasn't kidding.  After my years (and years) of non-profit wok, I know that is THE TRUTH.  It is always a handful of people in a group that do 99% of the work.  But it is more than that in my life....

I always say yes.  Yes to my kids.  Yes to my friends.  Yes to my clients.  Yes to my family.  Yes to my causes.  Yes to the PTA.  Yes, yes, yes!  The result:  an unhealthy stressed out me who couldn't name a hobby or something I do for myself. Not one thing.  NOT EVEN SMOKING! (can you tell I'm a little bitter about that?)  And if one of you comments about "That's life" or "that's being a mom" I will mentally punch you in your face. 

So guess what?  NO!!!!!!  I'm done.  Stick a fork in me, I am totally done.  There are those in my life whom are SO GREAT about this, setting boundaries and doing what they can and I admire and ENVY them!  My turn! 

Let me start this out by saying, there are some of you I will hang the moon for because you are freaking AWESOME and would do anything for me.  Some of you already have.  Jen Tyler, Amee Tilger, my parents, Jonna Dengate, my partner Shannon, you are my ROCKS.  April and Cameron Wiggins, you routinely do AMAZING things for our family (and me) and I love you for it.  Amy Ferrell, your FREE Zumba class and your story has inspired me and I thank you so much for it.  You all get YES!  to whatever you need whenever you need it.

Some of you have been amazing at sending me referral and supporting my business, THANK YOU!  I will always do the same for you!  My sister, Sara, and Megan Long come to mind but I know there are more of you....

But to the rest of you.... step up.  If you want me to buy your kid's girl scout cookies/coupon cards/whatever THEY are selling.... if you want me to attend your business event/charity auction/or countless Pampered Chef/Partylite/whatever the heck it is YOU are selling.... if you want continous free legal advice/a sympathetic ear to listen to your constant life drama/or for me to constantly change my life to accomodate your plans/lack of planning then you better pull up a chair and clear your calendars people because I will be knocking on your door asking for HELP.

Help with Relay team events, a couple of bucks in Relay raffle tickets, forming a team for the CASA Bowl-A-Thon, supporting MY kids fundraisers, whatever it takes.  You want from me, you better be willing to give.  I don't care if it is $5 or a couple of hours of your time, I'll take it.  And if I ask, and you can't give, HAVE SOME RESPECT AND AT LEAST RESPOND.  Ignoring me is just plain RUDE.

Sorry, but I have a full time job, a few of them actually, and I can no longer justify taking time away from myself, my family, or my worship to give to those who don't give back.  You must earn my time, and like my loyalty, I will be fierce in rewarding those who give to me.

Peace out.

a

Why I haven't been to church lately....

I LOVE MY CHURCH... and I love my pastor. 

To some of you this will not make sense.  I do not care, this is me, take it or leave it.

To others of you, you will un5derstand completely and some will just try to understand.  Thank you.

Two weeks ago I quit smoking.  Many view this as a healthy lifestyle change, which it is.  But it is also something much bigger for me, it is a struggle with my identity and a battle to re-create the very core of who I am. 

I started smoking when I was 14 years old.  I quit while I was pregnant and for some, maybe even many years, I only smoked 1-3 cigarettes a day.  Regardless, I was a smoker.  It was who I was.  For maybe half that time, it was the symbol of the rebellious part of who I was.  It was a way to say " I don't care what you think " even though maybe I did, or " I'll do what I want " which I would.  Some of you know my life changed a lot at 14 years old, more than most teenagers.  Smoking was what I did to get through, to deal with it, to have that few moments to myself to face what was happening in my life and put it behind me.

The second half of that time it was my stress release.  My life was/is chaotic and it was my way to step outside my home/office/car, outside of all the chaos, and just breathe (as ironic as that may be).  It was part of my self-destruction, a crutch I knew I was using to not really deal with things but a way to escape them.  Very similar to my weight.  I probably know more about nutrition and exercise than 75% of the people reading this post, and have continued to destroy my body for years.  Part of me thinks it is a way to berate myself, a way to say "you are not good enough" or "you do not deserve health" or "don't try, you will fail."  As Pastor Myron points out, many Christians are extremely hard on themselves and I am no exception.

It is this second half that I struggle with in quitting smoking.  It is the devil himself that has battled against God in my head and heart telling me that to deal with my life, to be me, to be happy, I need to smoke.  This may sound absurd to some of you, but it is a powerful addiction and as intelligent as I may be, it is all I can do to pray to God and ask him to remove this absurdity from my heart and soul and provide me with the shield and sword I need to get healthy.  There are times when all I can do is curl into a ball, turn on the TV, and do my best to lose myself in mindless distractions.  My house is a mess, I have no clean laundry, and I've gained 5 lbs.  It is the worst in the evening and in the mornings, especially on weekends because that is when I would sit outside, drink my coffee, and smoke. 

Two weeks seems like a drop in the bucket right now. It feels as if I have a lifetime of struggle against this ahead of me.

I know I should call a friend, go to church, exercise.  Those things are not my first instinct.  I have friends going through some real crap in their lives right now, and I know they understand this.  I have always been the person that smoked, that is what I did.  Now, I am the person that sleeps.  What I want is to be the person that meditates, the person that prays, the person that runs, that moves, that turns the stress into a great thing.  That is what I am working on. 

So.... keep encouraging me.  Encourage my husband.  Encourage my children.  Help me to become what I want to be.  Be patient with me.  Most of all, pray for me.

And thank you.  Thank you to all of you who have been SO encouraging.  Amee, mom, Jonna, Angela, Shannon, Tammie, Sheryl, Michelle, so many of you have been so great about encouraging me and checking in on me and being patient with me as I struggle to re-create myself without being a raging bitch. 

Peace out!

a